When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Mouse
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Mood.. 😂
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you