When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Namaste
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!