Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

Single and childfree like Jesus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking