When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
You Might Also Like
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.