Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.