Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van