When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
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aesthetic
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down