when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.