when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Found my door mat
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief