when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Duolingo getting serious.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.