Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

We found love in a hopeless place.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.