Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown