When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?