When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.