When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
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there was another, tinier cement truck inside
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
who wore it better?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”