When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
There’s never enough good news
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to