When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Raisins are grape jerky.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
🙂🐾
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My last name is Zilla.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”