When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm