When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I really had high hopes for this year though
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.