When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
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Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.