Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

🙀🙀🙀😹

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore