When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
One of the best
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin