My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
The French word for sex is croissant.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.