Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
He just like my cat fr
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor