When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.