When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
