When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem