When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
dam girl
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.