When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Ok, but like, how married are you?