When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I basically called this earlier today
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
He took my last fry, your honor
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”