When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph