@MamaNeedsACoke

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

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@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@Smooheed

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@TheTweetOfGod

“I want my country back” is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.

@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

@TweetsByKaylee

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

@joe_binkley

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

@Brampersandon_

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’