When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Did my cat write this
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.