When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat