When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
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Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers