When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
You Might Also Like
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
the best thing i’ve ever made
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister