Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club