When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You Might Also Like
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
this is uni
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
#milo
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.