Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.