When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You Might Also Like
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.