Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.