Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

You were the one.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym