Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.