When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

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Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop


If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.


What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”


Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?

Brain: Yep!

Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?

Brain: Nope!


The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.


if ur a professional footballer u can just lie down in the middle of ur job and some men will run over to rub ur legs


Single women are so tired of hearing:
“Oh, don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

I mean have you seen those beach clean ups?! Theres a lot of garbage in the sea.

Everyone’s all worried about the sea turtles & I’m over here trying not to date a serial killer.


Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.


When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.