When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Put this video in the Louvre
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.