Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

the best thing i’ve ever made

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.