When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I was bored.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?