Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)