When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
opening twitter today
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.