when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!