when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.