when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
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Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
why neck hurt
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.