When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Short story
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
notice
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me