When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
