“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”