Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic