“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Who knew!
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Bring back the McRib
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.