When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Attacked by a mop.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
This is always good for a laugh.
