When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
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mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming