When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective