You Might Also Like
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.