I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”