When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest