When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages