When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse