When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime