Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

The little toadstool has spoken.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.