When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
concern
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind