When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.