When I can’t barge, I careen.
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?