When I can’t barge, I careen.
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My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
One of the best
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys