Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Shower sex be like:

Software Development ⛵️

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah