When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“You’d better run, egg!”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now