When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.