When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
You Might Also Like
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I am laughing way too hard at this.
