Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Every haunted house movie:

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti