Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.