Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

indiana??? now they’re just making up states